Audio Reading of “The Misfortune Business”.
“Hey everybody, welcome to the Ba’al Ze Club,” Lucifer stood centre stage, immaculate in a red top hat and tails, his hands raised in greeting. “Hades’ favourite nightspot for all you tortured souls.”
He went on: “Tonight we have a fantastic lineup for you, but first I want to give a big satanic greeting to our star-studded audience. Can I have a spotlight, please guys?”
A spotlight panned around the audience, stopping at a table near the stage.
“Nixon is in the house, ladies and gentlemen,” Lucifer roared. “Let’s give a gigantic hand for Tricky Dicky, who is joined tonight by one of our recent arrivals… Henry KISSINGER.”
Kissinger looked nonplussed, sputtering, “But I got the Nobel Peace Prize.”
“Sure, you did, Henry,” Lucifer laughed, “But if you look behind you, we have Alfred Nobel, the famous humanist and weapons manufacturer. We love a bit of hypocrisy in hell.”
“Who else is here?” Lucifer waved his arm, urging the spotlight to rove around. It came to rest on the face of a wizened crone holding up a crucifix. “Oh, one of my favourite characters in the halls of hell. Please give an enormous hand for Mother Theresa of Calcutta.”
“Get thee behind me, Satan,” hissed the old woman.
“Later Teri, later,” Satan bellowed, his teeth glinting in the arc lights. “You have to admire that insatiability. We’re here all millennium, folks. Don’t forget the hot pokers. One of our succubae will visit your table soon.”
“Get on with it, you windbag!” A voice shouted from the back of the room. Lucifer’s eyes glowed with a demonic light and flames licked around his wings.
“WTAF, are you doing here?” He glared at the figure dressed in long robes sitting at the back of the audience drinking a G&T and clutching a lamb under one arm.
“Dad sent me, bro. He says you’re over-playing your hand up there.” He pointed at the glass ceiling, through which could be seen a panoramic view of the firmament. “He wants you to have a few more angelic reversals. We’re totally done with plagues and war. That’s so twentieth century. Time for some peace and love, man.”
“Receipts not good, then?” Satan smiled toothily; his thin lips reaching from ear to ear.
“Yeah, the soul business is in the crapper,” the man nodded. “Except here, where it’s booming.”
“Oh yes,” agreed Lucifer, “the misfortune business is flourishing. But you have to understand, that’s not my doing.”
“No?”
“It’s the Christian Conservatives.” Lucifer’s face fell, and his eyes narrowed. “It’s quite clever, really. They have increased charitable giving by increasing the need for charity. It’s breathtakingly brilliant. Doing God’s work by robbing the poor. I wish I’d thought of it.”
“I see. I’d better tell dad, then.”
“You do that, bro.” Lucifer watched the figure fade from view. “Anyway, enough of the hecklers. Let’s get on with the show. Our first act tonight is Arthur Brown with his iconic hit, ‘Fire’.”
That’s when the screams started.
