It had been a tough one, but the ‘Support Our People’ party (SOP) had just squeezed through. The gamble of promising what the people wanted was a brave manifesto, and now they had to come up with the goods.
It was a week later that they actually got down to any business, it had taken that long for the effects of the copious amount of champagne to wear off. The speaker and Chairman of the SOP party, Lord Charles Alexander Grovner gave his opening speech. The floor was then open to his underling Lords to come up with ideas that would support their manifesto.
“Item 1 on the Agenda – Zero Emissions by 2050 – now which of you clots thought that was a bright idea” barked Lord Charles.
“That would be one of mine Sir, we really do have to do something this time around.”
“Oh, I should have known it was you, Jenkins, and how the hell are we going to achieve that?”
“I’ve had this marvellous idea, Uncle Charles,” shouted James.
His nephew on his wife’s side, Charles groaned loudly, he needed to sit down for this. He nodded for James to begin.
“I had this idea that we could give up cars altogether.”
A loud “I say, steady on” came from the chambers.
“Let’s hear the boy out” Lord Charles said, thinking otherwise he’d never hear the end of it from his wife.
“I’ve been told that it’s possible to send a hologram of yourself to wherever you want to go, and that hologram can be programmed to react and think as your own brain would.”
The chamber began to take a bit more notice, this was beginning to sound good to them, it seemed that they could stay a bed and work at the same time.
“And does this device have a name?” asked the particularly lazy peer Benjamin Portcullis, eager to show that he was listening and was having an active part in the proceedings.
“It’s still at the prototype stage at the moment, but I would like to call it the BOAT – Beam one atomised there. BOAT is a simple acronym that even the hoi polloi would understand that it’s a means of transport.”
“Well done” said Charles, surprised that the boy was showing any initiative at all, “Have a report on my desk first thing tomorrow.”
Turning his head towards the chamber he asked, “What about the rest of you, any ideas on achieving Zero Emissions by, what year was it?”
“2050, Uncle.”
“Well, anybody?”
“I suppose we could stop everybody eating Baked Beans, that could stop some emissions” Lord Peter Archibald Smythe said laughingly, “they make me fart like an elephant.”
“I think we might be getting somewhere now, do many people eat these Baked Beans, should this be a nationwide concern?” Lord Charles enquired.
“Of course, most of the nation has been brought up on them” Peter replied, not knowing if he had his facts right but asserting that he was on the same hymn sheet.
“That’s settled then, Peter organise a meeting with the manufacturers, and lets see if we can buy them off.”
“What about Brussels Sprouts, I let out a corker at Christmas, had to blame it on the dog of course,” joined in the newest member of the cabinet.
“After the BREXIT fiasco, I didn’t know we were still importing them, yes lets place an embargo on those.”
“Moving on to Item 2 ..”
“Uncle, I have another plan on reducing our emissions, before we go on.”
“Let’s hear it then, and then I think a spot of lunch may be in order.”
“It’s about cows, their belching is known to produce toxic gases that are harming the ozone layer. I’ve already been in touch with a well-known pharmaceutical supplier and they have assured me that they’ll are on board with this. The plan is to include fine powdered chalk into their feed, this should help to reduce their belching or stop it all together.”
“Forgive me, if I’m wrong, but don’t cows eat grass.”
“Oh yes, they have covered that angle as well, all farmers fields will be treated before the cows are even allowed to consume even one blade of grass.”
Lord Charles realising there might be a downside to this asked “And would there be any side effects?” His fondness for cheese was setting off alarm bells.
“The pharmaceutical company haven’t told me about any, so I’d say no.”
“That report on my desk in the morning as well then James.”
During the lunch break, members of the party consumed a large amount of free food along with gallons of alcoholic beverages to get them through what already seemed to be a very long day.
Back at the house, and back to the manifesto promises.
“Item 2 – Immigration – how are we going to control it.”
“Following on from James’s BOAT idea, might I suggest that if you’re not actually going anywhere personally, that you won’t need a passport”. By the way, excellent idea James” announced Lord Sebastian Clarke “By the way, excellent idea James” he added obsequiously, hoping that sycophantism was the way up the ladder.
Lord Charles made a note in his mental diary to keep an eye on that ambitious idiot. “I don’t follow, how is this going to help us with the immigration issue.”
“That’s the clever bit, it’s like this. You take your good lady on holiday every year, but using the BOAT system, you never leave the country but still have an excellent holiday through your hologram. It will work the same with the immigrants, we can get them to do all the work, but as they are not physically here, they cannot be included in the stats. Its all smoke and mirrors.”
“Let me get this right, there will still be immigrant holograms working in British jobs?”
“That’s the beauty of the scheme, you can use an avatar hologram, which will run a programme that will make them sound very British, the public would need to wear eclipse glasses to be able to see through the disguise.”
“You coordinate with James and include it in his report.”
“Item 3 – National Health Service – now what brave soul wants to take this on, a permanent hot potato, Lord Portcullis over to you” Lord Charles was certainly putting them through their paces today.
A sharp poke in his ribs brought Benjamin to his feet. “My Lord, as you know there are the same problems that are affecting the NHS funds that have been going on unchallenged for years” he blustered on, not even knowing where he was going himself. “The biggest draw on the funds are the pensioners, with their need for vast amounts of medications, and general health care, also because of their high numbers, the Pension State Fund is starting to wobble. The second biggest expenditure seems to be exacerbated by what seems to be a decade long baby boom, both of these are a huge drain on our limited resources. I think now is our opportunity to really make a difference.
Lord Charles enjoying watching Benjamin squirm said “and what do you propose?” All the members of the party took a sharp intake of breath, it was like being on centre court at Wimbledon. They all directed their gaze back to Benjamin, who seemed to be having trouble with his collar.
“Well, my Lord in my own humble opinion, others may think differently of course” he looked desperately around the room, hoping for some support. Everybody immediately found something of great interest on the floor and avoided his eye contact. Lord Benjamin Portcullis stood proud, thinking damn the lot of them, here goes nothing, or maybe my career and my pension.
“With regards to the State Pension, we could raise the starting age to 75 and state a cessation date of the payment on the pensioner’s 90th birthday. Also, we could refuse to pay out if anyone had savings over £50,000” he looked at the alarm on the faces of his colleagues. Taking pleasure in their discomfort he went on further, “and any second or third homes would automatically be sold and the profits would go to the NHS fund to help keep it buoyant.”
“I say, let’s not be too hasty” murmured a nearby member whose remark was taken up by the rest of the audience.”
“Order! Order” Lord Charles gravel crashed to his desk.
“Thank you Benjamin, I think we will take another recess at this point, take the time to phone your mistresses and wives, to tell them the meeting might turn into an all -nighter.”
The session recommences.
Item 4 – Obesity
“I think we will all agree that this would normally be a sub section of Item 3, but the problem has grown out of all proportion and needs to be addressed immediately. I open this to the floor, has anyone anything to say?”
A former physics lecturer who had been knighted by the queen raised his hand.
“There has recently been a survey undertaken on nano bots, and the way they can be used in the human body. It is now possible to inject these along with a microchip brain into a body and direct them to do your bidding via a computer. Obviously, we are still in the early stages, but the test subjects used have responded well. It’s a probability we could use these nano bots to make an individual vomit after they have taken in a certain number of calories.”
A combined groan was heard in the chamber.
The ex-lecturer went on “The test subjects have concurred that after this has happened three or four times, they all seem to go off eating so much and started to lose weight.”
“How do the nano bots know how many calories they have consumed is too much” a very concerned Lord butted in.
“We can set that on the computer, say the average man usually consumes 2500 calories a day, we can reduce that to 1800, anything higher than that the non bots get to work so to speak. A reduced amount can be set for the ladies and children of course.”
“Don’t you think the public will object to this, having foreign objects in their bodies?”
“Would they have to actually know Lord Charles? The microchips could be disguised as an identity chip. Knowing peoples dislike of immigrants at the moment, I am sure you will have them baying at the door for the implants, they would have proof that they are British to the core.”
“Seems a very good solution, could take the strain of the NHS come and see me after the meeting” said Lord Charles who was wondering if he could volunteer his wife as a test subject. “I think we will leave it as that for the time being, all reports to be in by midday tomorrow, we will leave the problem of the baby boom at the moment, as at least they will grow up and pay their taxes.”
As Lord Charles was driven back to his country residence by his chauffeur , he reflected on the day’s meeting and to what kind of future the SOP party was giving its voters. They can’t complain too much, it’s what they asked for after all, he thought.
