Proud to be a Philistine

Sharone did not “get” art.

To her, if a painting looked like a photo, then it was alright but when it came to terms like “colour theory,” “layout” and how the image “spoke,” she could feel the tumbleweed roll across her empty brain.

At highbrow art galleries, she would nod at the sight of melting clocks and say “Hmm, that’s interesting innit?” but couldn’t pretend it meant anything to her.

Tony though had aspirations of taste, speaking freely of the artist’s soul. When it came to purchasing a print to hang on the living room wall, he’d spend hours online agonizing over which one to pick.

“Just get one of a dolphin or tiger or someup, they’re cool,” Sharone would say but Tony countered with “No, no love, it’s gotta matter. Can’t you tell a great painter from a crummy one? Vermeer knew what he was about, Hitler tried painting and his stuff’s shite.”

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The Outside

This morning, my algae soup tasted even blander than usual. Lifeless. Flavourless. Purposeless.

“Seems familiar,” I mused, granting myself a rare indulgence – not washing the bowl. Why bother? It joined the stack of unwashed dishes, each marking days of the same hollow thought.

Outside my house, I stood before the only soul who would have cared. She would have made me wash up; she made me a better man. Kneeling, I placed a small metal flower upon her makeshift grave. Its subtle blue hue was a stark contrast to this monochrome underground world of dirt and metal.

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That Wretched Mr. Linklater

The locals of East Hardwick made a habit of not burning a certain Catholic terrorist come the fifth of November as expected, but instead set alight whomever they disliked.

Mrs. Monks burnt a copy of her cheating husband, Charlie Lanker burnt a dummy modelled after his schoolteacher, who in turn set alight a many headed hydrae, bearing the faces of her worst students.

On this Guy Fawks night, Kevin Warick had built, a perfect likeness of the dreadful Mr. Samuel Linklater, down to that self-impressed, almost snarling smile.

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A mother’s love

My love for her echoes the unconditional love she has for me. She has watched me laugh and cry from the day I was born and made sure she raised me as a sensitive, loving person.  There has always been respect for decisions I have made in life and she has corrected many mistakes I have made.  Her guidance has made me a more rounded person. The commitment I have for her will always be there.

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How to survive a (man-made) natural disaster, by Sophia, aged 9

How to survive a (man-made) natural disaster, by Sophia, aged 9

  1. Don’t rely on the grown-ups

The climate change scientists warned that the wave was coming. But that was before the government silenced them.

Our parents were all too busy arguing about Brexit to help.

“Dad?” I said, “Can we move to the Midlands?” 

“Is this about that tsunami nonsense again?” he laughed, stuffing yet another loaf of emergency No-Deal-Brexit bread into the freezer. “It’s scientifically impossible, Sophia.” 

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