Darren, God’s second son, was worried about the family’s legacy. Dad had an image problem, so he went to see him.
“Dad,” he said. “We need to give you a makeover.”
“What for?”
“All this divine retribution stuff,” Darren said. “It doesn’t play well. We need PR.”
“Where are we going to get that?”
“Ring the Pope.”
So, God did.
“Hello, is that Pope Sandra?”
“Yes, new phone, who dis?”
“This is God.”
“What?” Pope Sandra gasped. She hadn’t realised God would actually call her. “THE God. The one with all the capital letters?”
“That one. Listen, I need a favour.”
“Say the word.”
“Please,” said God.
“No, not that one,” she said. “Ask me anything.”
“I need a PR guy. Or at least my son says I do.”
“Jesus?”
“No, Darren, my second son.”
“You have a SECOND son. FFS wait ‘til the Cardinals get a load of this. As it happens I have just the guy.”
“Good,” said God, “what’s his name?”
“Sol Vogelstein,” she replied.
“Send him up.”
“How does he get there?”
“The usual way.”
“I get your drift.”
Pope Sandra sent an email to Vogelstein. “Sol, get your arse over to the Vatican pronto. I have a job for you.”
An hour later, Vogelstein stood before the Pontiff, who explained the task to him.
“God? Oy, that’s a proper job. I’ll do it.”
So, the Pontiff shot him, and he found himself standing before God.
“Nice place,” he observed.
“Thanks. I need a PR makeover. All I seem to be known for these days is divine retribution.”
“That’s what I do, although my price is pretty steep.”
“Name it.”
“My ex-wife, Breina…”
“The one who ran off with her tennis coach?”
“How did you…?”
“God, remember.”
“Oh yeah. Well, I want you to fix it so that she’s unhappy for the rest of her life.”
“No problem,” God said, “consider it done.”
“And I want to go back to Earth as a much younger man, who is rich and handsome.”
“Done.”
“Right, let’s get to work then.”
Sol changed God’s image: the full Hollywood treatment. It was so successful God enjoyed a better rep than Keanu. He even got invited to parties in the Hamptons.
“I want to thank you for everything, Sol,” God said when it was time for him to go. “If you look in this mirror, you’ll see I’ve fulfilled my part of the bargain. There’s just one thing.”
“What’s that?”
“You know you wanted Breina to be unhappy for the rest of her life?”
“Yeah?”
“When you get down there, you’ll find she’s still your wife, only she sees you as you used to be. What’s more it’s an unbreakable pact. You’re stuck with each other for ever. Man, is she not happy about THAT.”
Sol scowled. “I thought you were going to stop the divine retribution stuff.”
“Gotta keep my hand in. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a party to go to. CU.”
