Alfie disappears into the classroom without looking back. It swallows him whole. That’s good, I tell myself. He’s happy and I’m free to be ‘me’ again. It’s terrifying.
Turning towards the gate, I focus on the shiny new stilettoes that I hoped would bring me confidence. But I feel ridiculous. A pool of sweat is collecting beneath the too-tight waistband of my trousers, the material straining to contain my bulging flesh. Why did I let Ben convince me to pursue a career again, at my age? Asking his university colleagues to consider me for a job? They’ll see right through me. Inadequate. Embarrassing. Fat.
I reach the car and suddenly I’m aware of two things with absolute certainty. 1. I’m not going to the interview this morning, and 2. ‘He’ is behind me.
“Jess,” he whispers. I shiver.
“…and then later, when it gets dark, we go home,” crows Lou Reed through the car radio. At the crossroads I turn left towards the train station, instead of right towards the university.
“Did you miss me?” My body tingles as he runs his hands across my thighs from the passenger seat, feeling for softness, wobbles and imperfections.
He tuts. “It’s ok, I’m here now.”
I allow his voice to soothe me. With him, there’s no mess or uncertainty.
After we’ve been on the train for an hour, my anxiety peeling away with the scenery, my phone vibrates, shattering the peace. Ben’s name flashes up on the screen. He calmly takes it and switches it off, just as the buffet cart clatters past.
I say no to the woman’s breezy, “Any snacks?” He pats my stomach and says, “Good girl.”
The train rattles on and it’s like being rocked in a crib.
*
We stride in purposeful silence out of Paddington station, down Edgware Road, and into Hyde Park where the Serpentine beckons, glistening with stardust.
Once we’re seated in one of the blue and white rowing boats, the lapping water lulls me into a daze.
“Come back to me?” he says.
My eyes brim with tears. “My family….”
He stops rowing and the boat drifts sideways. “You abandoned me for years and now look at you. You’re a fat mess! Your family can’t care for you like I can.”
His words hit me like icy water. He’s never cared about me. He wants to destroy me. I’ll never be free with him lurking in the shadows. He must go, for good this time. I owe it to Ben and Alfie.
I reach down, prize off my shoe, and with an adrenaline-charged supernatural force, rain blow after blow onto his head, heel against skull. Clunk. Clunk. Clunk. I watch as if from the sidelines.
Silence. The boat bobs gently and the sound of distant laughter floats in, occupying the space his voice used to be.
Stepping off the boat I’m re-born, landing on solid, safe ground. I switch on my phone. Time to go home and face the music.
But first, lunch.
