Anna peered at the ugly gnome in the elegant London house’s garden. What’s that doing there?’ She smiled at her fiancé, eyebrows raised.
‘Whatever you do, say nothing negative about that gnome. It’s Mother’s pride and joy; I’m only second-best.’
‘I think you’re perfect, darling.’ Anna was raising herself on tiptoe to exchange a kiss when the front door opened. Framed in the doorway stood a tiny, grey-haired lady.
‘I see you’re admiring wee Alistair,’ she purred, then changing her tone, ‘introduce me, Hector’. Like a naughty schoolboy Hector pulled away from Anna.
‘Mother, may I present my fiancée Anna. Anna, my mother, Lady Fiona Carstairs.’
Lady Fiona led them past a row of framed portraits of a blond, blue-eyed boy, then swept them into the drawing room. Whilst they were sipped Earl Grey she attacked again.
‘Alistair and I have been longing to meet you, Anna. How did you meet Hector?’
Sweat pearled on Anna’s forehead. She scalded her throat with a mouthful of tea to give herself time to think.
’At university,’ she whispered.
Lady Fiona expertly probed her on her prospects and family background. Shortly after Hector rose to his feet and kissed his mother’s cheek.
‘Please excuse us, Mother. We have an urgent appointment with the Careers Advisor.’
‘Tell me about that ghastly garden gnome?’ begged Anna as soon as they exited the gate.
‘My older brother Alistair was mother’s favourite, he bought that gnome for her birthday when he was seven. Tragically he died of pneumonia shortly after. Mother’s never recovered. She deteriorated after Father died two years ago and I inherited the title. She’s convinced Alistair lives inside the gnome. Sometimes people hear her talking to it as though it were alive.’
Anna scrutinised the ugly gnome on all their subsequent visits, half-fearful that she too would hear Alistair’s voice. Time rushed past until their wedding. Lady Fiona had steamrollered their wishes for a quiet family do, insisting on Westminster Abbey.
After the wedding bride and groom left for their new home on the lonely island of Lundy, where Hector had accepted the post of warden. Rough seas made access to Lundy difficult for much of the year; hopefully the isolation would keep them safe from his mother.
‘The only things in our garden will be sheep,’ promised Hector as they stumbled uphill to their cliff-top home. ’Just think, Anna, we’ve escaped, no more grisly garden gnomes to keep reminding us of my perfect older brother. No more titles. We can simply be Hector and Anna here, none of that anachronistic nonsense.’
Next day the weekly mail boat arrived at the island. The only item a bulky parcel addressed to Sir Hector and Lady Carstairs, Wardens of Lundy, so much for anonymity. Hector stripped away the padding to reveal the obscene leer of the garish garden gnome. ‘Dear Anna and Hector’ read the note ‘I’m sending my dearest possession; please cherish it until I take up residence on Lundy next week. Mother.’
