“Are we expecting more? Roger? OK. A few minutes.” No-one else arrives.
“Let’s start. I’m chairing. First, we introduce ourselves. Starting clockwise, give your name and a few words as to why you’re here. Then hands up whoever wants to speak. The topic this week, Mastering the Mountain. I’ll go first. I’m Reeta; been a regular for a year. My fear is meerkats. I call it Herpestidaephobia. That’s a made-up word actually,” she waits, weighing the effect, “but my therapist seems to like it.”
“I’m Hussein, Huss. My second meeting. Water is my demon -aquaphobia.”
“Hi, Jez here. I hate meetings… like this one… where I have to speak. Glossophobia it’s called. I’ve been with Obsessives Anonymous around 6 months. I attend other London groups too, depending on the month’s topic.” Jez flicks a long black fringe revealing a 3rd eye tattooed mid-forehead. She nails Reeta in a trifold stare as if to say, So ask me why I came here today.
Introductions continue. “Howdy, Mickey. Unusual for Roger to miss. Perhaps using the word Mountain was tactless? Acrophobia; he panics at library steps. Mine’s agnophobia -fire.”
Next, completing the semicircle, a bald, suited, square man adjusts half-rimmed glasses with trembling hands and speaks in a self-effacing voice. “Dr Gupta, qualified CBD and ERP therapist, replacement facilitator this evening. Good to meet you all.”
“Yes Huss. Start us off.”
“What’s helped me most has been getting together with Mickey. Water quenches fire; fire put out by water. Result! And we’ve invented a game. Can’t tell you much else; it’s still with the patent office. Dragon’s Den here we come. Squillions in the bank, a holiday home on the Costa Brava, that’s what’s going to help us Master the Mountain.
Reeta raises her hand, granting herself speaking rights. “I do feel rather a fake given the risk of a meerkat encounter in Muswell Hill is miniscule, -not like lighting a match,” looking at Huss “or having a bath,” sniffing at Mickey’s overpowering body splash and discreetly manoeuvring her chair back. “Anyway, I’m now an approved foster parent for Schedule 4 birds, – goshawks, eagles, all natural predators of meerkats. And the grand-kids love trekking with all the equipment, – leg jesses, hood, bells. Yes Jez.”
“I’m surprised no-one’s asked the reason I came here today rather than the Kensington group which serves MUCH better coffee AND knows my real name is Adi, -Adiya, – beloved by God. Hell, I’ve said it! That must be my longest speech ever.”
“Congratulations.” Reeta beams. “Adi deserves a clap.”
“Thank-you all for your contributions.” Dr Gupta pipes in. “It’s impressive how you’ve all found supremely effective ways to Master your respective Mountains. And you’ve also helped me as a therapist. I too have an obsession, a horror of, – don’t laugh, – therapy sessions with their endless phobias and long Latinised medical terms. Seemingly it’s a hybrid condition, – of hippopotomonstrosesqhuippedaliophobia, – fear of long words – and fear of doctors, Iatrophobia.
Everyone Laughs.
