The thing about Iffy is that he’s all about conspiracy theories. Not proper conspiracies like you see on the socials, these are more personal tales of his regrets and ‘if only’ flights of fancy. That’s where his nickname comes from ‘if only I’d done this or that or the other’.
Take last Thursday as an example. A few mates met up in the pub and were mentioning the imminent implosion of the marriage of two of our friends. Off goes Iffy:
‘If only I’d asked Gwenda to marry me before she met Bob. We could have been happy. Maybe we’d have moved to the country. It’s my fault they’re not happy’.
Trying to unpick this is pointless but it does give a glimpse into Iffy’s interior life, he’s a saviour-failure hybrid with good intentions but poor follow through.
‘If only I’d visited uncle Bob more often, I might have been there when he fell over the dog and broke his collar bone.’
‘Grandma might not have died that night if I’d got to the hospital sooner’
These are amongst his simpler scenarios. Others involve multistage events with Iffy as the main actor in a series of catastrophic happenings.
‘ I really regret skipping school so much. If I’d turned up for the exams I might have gone to college and become a bank manager. then I could have helped Mum out when she was behind on the rent. She wouldn’t have needed to turn to that bastard loan shark and she wouldn’t have had to steal from the till at work to pay him. And they wouldn’t have reported her to the police. And I wouldn’t have been cautioned for threatening the shark. I’m a terrible son. Her life’s a real mess now.’
In fact she’s never looked happier, but the problem for Iffy’s friends was to turn Iffy’s tendency to take responsibility into positive outcomes. If he could imagine himself causing joy and happiness he might start to like himself better.
We relied on Jaynie, who has a soft spot for Iffy, to start this job and promised to act as a back-up team allowing only positive things to be said to Iffy:
‘Hey Iffy, do you remember the day I fell over coming out of school and some lads were mocking me?’ You helped me up and saw me all the way home’
‘Yes I remember that. I should have chased them off but your knee was bleeding and I wanted to put a plaster on it’
‘You were brilliant. My mum was so thankful to you. She told everyone about what a kind boy you were. I kind of fancied you after that but you seemed to be fond of Gwenda’
‘If only you’d said, I’m a bit thick where girls are concerned.’
‘No you’re not. You’re a lovely caring man, stop putting yourself down’
‘Er, do you think we might go out sometime?’
‘Love to. Just promise you won’t blame yourself if the film’s rubbish.’
