I’m trapped in a tiny flat with my two mortal enemies.
We were okay at first, seeing each other in small doses but now lockdown’s struck, all we can do is either sulk in our cramped bedrooms or spend every second in each other’s company. As it turns out we really don’t like each other very much. Oh, sure before we’d sometimes go to the pub or go to the cinema but by and large we were casual acquaintances, which is how it should be.
John’s a carefree kind of guy, enduring in some circumstances and pretty damn funny. Samson’s the adventurer, the walls of his bedroom are covered in photographs of him standing by the Grand Canyon and the Great Pyramids and even riding elephants.
So not bad guys or so I thought.
After lockdown, all their minor quirks have become major grievances, like John’s single party trick of performing the Darth Vader theme tune entirely by armpit farts. First time he did it I thought it was hilarious but after hearing it for the millionth time I have to admit, it’s starting to lose its appeal.
Samson meanwhile deprived of going out and about, now doesn’t do a bloody thing but pace around like a caged animal, gritting his teeth.
He’s shite at hiding his bad moods. If you ask what’s bugging him, he’ll grunt and reply he’s fine when sounding anything but. Thing is though, you can’t overlook his bad temper. If you and he are watching TV or playing cards and he’s mad (which is most of the time nowadays) you can never ignore it and relax.
It isn’t his fault, not really. Nobody is meant to live in a cupboard with no job, no physical contact with the outside world and no end in sight.
The worst moment for moi came when I was out in the hall fixing a lightbulb and I happened to overhear John and Samson in the living room, talking about me.
“Oh man,” John was saying “he can’t handle criticism, give him one iota of criticism and he explodes.”
“I hate agreeing with you but Christ, you’re right,” Samson replied “Thinnest skin this side of Mars. Plus, have you ever seen him seethe when the spotlight’s on somebody else or when he talks his head off about his accomplishments? God help you if you look underwhelmed, he’ll act as if you called his mum a whore.”
They went on to list my many faults and it hurts because these two guys who have gotten to know me pretty well were now confirming that every bad thing, I secretly suspect about myself is completely true.
I fucking hate lockdown.
