“I’m here in Derbyshire at the home of centenarian Alan Davies,” the reporter Jake informs the viewers. He turns to face the spry man in the chair opposite him.
“I’m sure that all our viewers want to wish you a Happy 100th Birthday, Alan.”
“Thank you,” Alan replies.
“I’m sure that we all would like to know your secret of reaching your 100th birthday. You certainly look much younger than your years.”
It’s at this point that the cameraman Dave, who has heard it all before, decides to leave the camera running, and goes off to find the lavatory.
“I’ve had a good life, taken every opportunity that came my way. I think I owe my longevity to having my own way most of the time.”
“That certainly sounds a good way to live. Could you explain what you mean by that?” Jake responds confidently.
“After seeing the way my parents had to work so hard to put food on the table, I decided at the age of ten that there must be a better way to live rather than to just exist, so I set my own set of principles from that day on.”
“That’s a very young age to make life-changing plans.”
“Looking back, I suppose it was, but at the time, you did what you had to do to survive. Despite all my parents’ efforts, we were all still hungry, so I made the choice, there and then. I started stealing small things at first, the odd apple or something similar, just so I could help my parents you understand.”
Jake could feel that the interview was not going as he had planned, and tried to pull it back.
“You must have had the experience of the 60’s. What was that like?”
“Those were the days, I had more women that decade than I had hot dinners!”
Jake starts to feel sweat on his face. There’s still no sign of the cameraman.
He tries to steer Alan off down a different track, bringing it back to the family values that the TV show promotes.
“Alan, our researchers tell us you have a son and a daughter. Are they going to visit you on your special day?”
“Not likely! They disowned me when I bet away their inheritance. Little do they know that I managed to scam a load of pensioners out of their savings, so I’m worth a few bob now.”
Jake’s legs start to tremble, sweat marks were showing on his shirt. He knew he was for the sack. There was nothing he could do to save his job.
“Thank you, Alan for giving up your time on your100th birthday and on behalf of the viewers let me just say, “I hope you rot in hell!”
