There is one sensation that stays the same through all your days, from the day you are born till the day you die – it’s waking up from sleep. Just before you open your eyes, you float in the nothingness, feeling like you can be anywhere at all, and everywhere at once.
I walk the darkness. I explore it, and I can choose where I’ll eventually wake up. All my days are scattered here, just waiting to be picked.
Here’s a girl, she’s about eleven, her white hair is tied in a loose pigtail as I used to like it when I went to sleep as a kid. As I step closer, I can hear the morning sounds of the street outside our flat. One more step – I can smell pancakes that my grandma makes for breakfast. I reach out my hand to put on her shoulder, to transfer me into that dream and live it again… But I stop an inch away.
I’ve been there a thousand times.
I look around. I’m surrounded by girls and women. Different age, different clothes, and different haircuts – but it’s all mine. Some are standing straight and relaxed, some are wrapped tight in blankets, and some are hugging a toy – my favourite fluffy dog. Some faces are tense, and some are peaceful, but all of them are asleep.
I keep walking away from each of them.
Since I’ve gained that ability, I’ve been everywhere. I’ve tried so hard to make my life better, even though it never seemed to work. It’s always not good enough.
I’ve lived and re-lived so many days that I’ve lost count. And now I’m just tired.
“Lily, stop,” I hear. It’s a little girl, about five years old, who’s not sleeping. I remember her – me.
“Why aren’t you… waking up?” I ask.
“I’m scared,” she says. “Tomorrow’s my first day at school.”
“You’ll be just fine, I promise.” I wish that was the truth. I wish I could say I already took care of it. And I tried, honestly. Yet, some days have so much potential to go wrong that, even with infinite attempts, you run out of steam before you fix it. A lot of days are like that, actually.
“Please, don’t go there, Lily,” she says again and grabs my hand tight, staring into the darkness behind my shoulders. “You don’t know what’s in there.”
“That is, actually, the point”, I reply.
It’s been so many years, and I’m still scared. But I don’t care about it that much anymore.
I step away and let go of her hand, and then I blend into the darkness myself,
finally,
waking up.
