I love a conspiracy theory, don’t you? Say what you like about them, mine is the best. It’s about…well let me take you to our inaugural meeting to hear believers and the yet-to -be convinced shouting the odds…
Newbie 1: You’re saying Earth is a penal colony used by several peaceful and well run planets to deport their undesirables? Well that makes complete sense to me. I’m in. Who do we have to kill?
Newbie 2: Where did you get the information? Q Anon are very clear about their origins.
Stalwart believer 1: What did Q Anon ever do for us? Not that much except occupying a corner of Trump’s brain when his fingers were itching to press the red button.
Me: This is a theory based on logic and scientific principles, not little green people from outer space. It is perfectly obvious that Earth has the worst of people in the Universe with selfish and lethal intentions. Even the few exceptions, like Gandhi and my aunty May, who advocated for peace can be explained as genetic mutations.
Stalwart believer 2: Yup, we live in a mess of war, famine and overheating. We are a globally unique race of convicts, murderers, rogues and greedy buggers.
Me: It behoves us, we are behooved maybe, to examine our predicament. If the human race is the reject of nicely organized planets, do we just accept this exile? What about our cultural heritage, cruelly ripped from us and cast into a cesspit? We could still be living on a clean and tidy planet.
Newbie 3: Not much of an option have we, unless Elon Musk gives us a lift on his next space outing?
Me: How very wrong to take such a defeatist attitude. We have options. The main issue is the quest for return.
Like many conspiracy-based movements, mine has fractured along various fissures.
Two main factions dominate in the quest to return to our home planets. The Flat Earthers rely on an earlier theory that if they walk in a straight line they will eventually reach the edge of the world with the possibility of finding a better world if they jump off.
Those with GCSE physics have arranged their efforts around building a transporter like that used in Star Trek. The urge to say ‘beam me up Scottie ‘ is ever present amongst the more frivolous members. The entire Star Trek output is our constant reference guide, yet no one ever volunteers to be dematerialized. Strange.
As to our progress, the Flat Earth faction has eventually returned from its epic walk round the world, with shattered hopes of finding anywhere to jump off. They are disillusioned but throw their lot in with the Trekkies, even offering to try and borrow Dr. Who’s sonic screwdriver. The Trekkies have constructed a passable dematerialization chamber and struggle only with the science of it all.
Me? I’m mainly on the admin side, recruiting and fundraising. Have to say conspiracy theorizing is a nice little earner.
