Yet another interview, let’s hope I get the job this time. I think this is the eighth or ninth job I’ve gone for. OK, I know I wasn’t qualified for some like the nanny’s job, but they could have given me a chance.
Why do they always keep you waiting? Sometimes I think they do it on purpose just to make you nervous, but today I’ve taken one of my mother’s diazepam, so I’m not fazed. The other two waiting look very la-di-da but a little nervous. One keeps dashing back and forth to the loo, while the other one is twisting her hands. You’d think she was on her way to the gallows. I think they have realised that I’m the obvious choice.
At last, it’s my turn. Well, here goes, shoulders back, chest out. Hell, I’ve turned on my foot. There goes my elegantly confident entry as I limp ungainly into the room. Hell’s bells, there are three of them. Is this an interview or an interrogation? Only the lady sitting in the centre bothers to look at me; the other two heads bent studiously down, ticking some boxes.
After confirming who I am, as if I don’t know, the questions start.
‘Your previous experience, please?’
My reply: ‘I’ve worked in a burger joint but I packed that in, as it was too hot and the customers were too picky. Anyway, I like to have some time off in the summer to spend with my mates paddle-boarding, and lazing on the beach.’
‘Do you have any other employment experience?’
‘Well, I did have a job as a bouncer for a while, and I enjoyed that, but they let me go saying, “you are too hands on,” whatever that means.
‘Have you had any supervising experience?’
‘Not really. Oh, hang on. When I was in school, I was the gang leader and they all showed respect, no back chat.’
‘Do you realise that this is a full-time job?’
‘Oh yes, but I don’t mind that. You see, I’ve always fancied being a supervising traffic warden where I can boss people around. The power, doling out parking tickets to those people who think they can carpark where they like, just because they’ve got the cash to buy posh motors.’
‘Well, that brings us to the end of the interview. Is there anything that you’d like to add?’
‘Oh yes, please. I think this is my perfect job, and I’m the perfect person for it, so please give me a chance.’
