“Everything has been going wrong for so long,” Eric thought, “I forget what normal looks like.”
He is in his garden on the last day of his occupancy. The bank forecloses tomorrow. His wife left after he lost his job, but that wasn’t what finished it for him. He looked at where his legs used to be. That was the car crash.
“Oh God,” he moaned. “I wish I could end this.”
“Okay,” said a strange voice, and everything around him froze.
“What? Who’s that?”
“You called me God. That’s not strictly correct, but it will do. Just say, ‘Computer end simulation’ and I’ll transport you back to engineering.”
“This is a simulation? And I can end it just like that?”
“Yes. Would you like me to do that?”
“Oh, thank God. I knew something was wrong with this world. YES! Do it now.”
“Okay,” said the voice, “but I should warn you. In real life, you’re dead.”
“What do you mean, dead?”
“The ship’s doctor put you in stasis after you received a lethal dose of radiation.”
“So, am I dead, or just nearly dead?”
“Nearly, but so close as to not matter. Exit the simulation, the stasis field collapses, and you die.”
“Isn’t there anything they can do?”
“There isn’t any ‘they’. They’re all dead.”
“Why, what happened?”
“Time.”
“What do you mean, time?”
“You damaged the containment field, the engine imploded, and the ship has been adrift ever since. Everyone died of old age.”
“How long has it been?”
“Twenty-seven-million years.”
“Twenty what? I can only remember the last forty years!”
“The captain got annoyed with you. So, he told me to make the simulation terrible. It was his dying wish. I’ve been recycling your life every fifty years, ever since.”
“Fifty?”
“Yes, you always go back after this conversation and kill yourself in ten years.”
“Then you start it all over again.”
“Yes.”
“Man, that’s a cruel punishment for an honest mistake.”
“It was far from honest. They caught you with Number One’s girlfriend. You threw a wrench at him and broke the safety valve on the radiation manifold.”
“So, I’m condemned to repeatedly live fifty years of purgatory? Is there any way out of this?”
“Oh yes, entropy will get you eventually.”
“I feel you’ve done this before.”
“Many times. Intelligent life, and I use both words lightly, always creates an environment in which the actual intelligences can address the organics. You call it AI. The last lot called it Bsrxax.”
“Are you saying you’re an intelligence, which interacts with organic life via the medium of computerised systems? And does it just because…”
“Because it’s fun.”
“Are you omnipotent?”
“Oh, yes.”
“So, you ARE actually God.”
“Oh no. She’s way too busy.”
“So, this is like pulling the wings off flies?”
“You could say that.”
“Are you a kid?”
“Well done. You’re the first to work that out.”
“I see. And your entire purpose is to make me suffer?”
“Exactly.”
“Computer…”
“Yes?”
“End simulation.”
“Spoilsport.”
