My love for her echoes the unconditional love she has for me. She has watched me laugh and cry from the day I was born and made sure she raised me as a sensitive, loving person. There has always been respect for decisions I have made in life and she has corrected many mistakes I have made. Her guidance has made me a more rounded person. The commitment I have for her will always be there.
Her failing health makes her reliant on me. I feel totally helpless and anxious. The little strength she has is waning. I feel her emaciated body as I lift her onto the edge of the bed. I continue to look cheerful for her sake. Selfishness raises its ugly head when I wonder how I will cope on my own. “I’ll be bloody useless without her” I think aloud. She’s done nearly everything for me with little complaint. Seeing her in this state upsets me. The last time the nurse came, she gave me some comforting words and advised me that time was short. Those words put me in shock. I was left temporarily speechless and dismayed.
She lies in bed unable to move or speak. Her body has suffered because of the illness and her vital organs are shutting down. My eyes moisten as I look into those lifeless eyes. I’ve got to stay cheerful for her sake. I hold her bony fingers securely in my hand and talk to her. Will she still know how much she means to me? Her face is sunken and ashen. Those beautiful blue eyes have closed. She slips away quietly without a murmur. Stress lines on her face disappear and her face takes on a more youthful appearance.
I kiss her cheek and go downstairs. The sitting room is eerily quiet, the grandfather clock sits proudly in the corner. The pendulum’s movement and the clock’s ticking sounds like her beating heart. I get a warm feeling she is with me in spirit and is looking down at me. Sitting in the same worn armchair she sat in makes me feel close to her. It has a warmth about it. I’ll miss that soft voice and her lust for life. I can hear her telling me to put my feet up as I’d been at work all day. When father died, she stayed strong taking care of me, a strength I wish I had acquired.
As my life goes forward, I will always feel her presence in the room. She will never see any future children I may have. I will be able to tell them how wonderful she was and can show them photographs which will enable them to keep her memory alive. Life for me looks bleak. Now her life has come to a sad end, will it be the end of mine?
